Who I'm Meant to Be
by sweetfrogie
Summary: I am the new Katniss. I'm going to try to be anyway. I am going to get the guy. I am going to have friends. cross you fingers. Cause i'm gonna mess this up. i know it.


I can't say I've had an easy life. I've worked hard for everything I have owned since I was very young. Since my father died and my mother checked out. It's been years and I don't think she'll ever be back completely. She will never be the mother I knew and loved. I have learned I cant rely on her, instead I've grown cold and distant. I'm not sure its the better way to deal with it but its the best way that I know how to protect myself against her waffling emotions. Our relationship gets more bitter each year that passes. It will never be like it is with my little ray of sunshine.

Primrose is a happy little girl despite how little we have. It would be safe to say she is one the happiest people in the district. There are not very many so there is no real competition there. She loves pink and animals and pretty things. Twelve year old's, I was never the bubbly happy go lucky person she is. At least I don't think I was. If she wasn't her cheery little self I'd worry. I don't want her to be like me.

There is a boy. A couple actually. One is a friend who wants to be more. This is Gale. The other the bakers son, Peeta. I see him watching me he thinks I don't see him but I do. He'll never understand what he has done for me and my family. He is my silent moral support. I find comfort in knowing he's close by. What he doesn't know is that I watch him too. I watch to make sure that he's healthy and happy. It would kill me, I think if he wasn't. His mother is the worst kept secret in the entire district. No one likes her. I don't think her own family likes her. She's a miserable person, I am to but I could never hurt a living person. Not the way she does.

Peeta is a handsome guy all broad shoulders and blond hair. He looks nothing like me. So nothing will ever happen. But a girl can dream. Right? I have a good excuse to spy on him every Tuesday when the new cake goes up in the window. My sister insists we go see it after school, like clockwork she is. He's always up front on Tuesdays so Prim looks and so do I. But that's my secret to keep.

School is boring for me, always has been. I have one sorta kinda friend there other then Gale. The mayors daughter Madge. We don't talk we sit in silence but its a comfortable silence. Lunch is the most relaxing time of the day she reads some book while I am happy in my own imaginary world. A world with a certain boy and all the food we can eat. I don't have the best imagination, but I like my little world.

I am not good with words. I can't talk to people. I am more of an act first think second type of person. But thankfully not quick to judge but I will size you up. I am hard on people. Most people I find are lacking something to me. I can't move past that kind of thing. You know human error. I have more than I can count but I can't get over other peoples. I know I'm a downer and people are afraid to approach me just because I am the way I am.

I am trying to be a new person this year. It's a new school year and I am determined to be a new Katniss. I will talk to people. I will make a friend or maybe two. I am going to try to have fun. My lunches with Madge I hope will stay the same. Maybe this year we'll talk to each other. I made myself a promise to talk to Peeta and to be friendly. I'm sixteen and my sister told me I act old. It is time to act my age. Lets hope I can do it. I know I'm brave, I just need to be a different kind of brave. The new me in the same old clothes. My new life or I guess you could say my new attitude about life.

Peeta my ultimate goal I want him to be more than my friend. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. I might have to watch some of the girls at school. Find out how they do it. You know flirt. I've never flirted in my life. What scares me more than anything is that Peeta will think I'm crazy. That he won't be interested in me. That he'll laugh at me, I couldn't stand it if he did.

If that happened I wouldn't be the new Katniss, I'd become the invisible girl again. At that point I'd think I would want to disappear. Peeta is to nice to treat me like a pariah I think so anyway. He's not the kind of guy to laugh in your face or make jokes about you. His friends yes but not him. He's the good guy. My secret bread baring hero. The ultimate goal.

Gale doesn't understand because he doesn't want to. He thinks if he waits long enough I will want to be with him. I don't think that could ever happen. He's like a big brother not a lover. We are to much alike. Oil and water. One big happy family. Only family. I don't want to hurt him but, I think its unavoidable at this point. If he tries to ever kiss me again I'll break his nose. Just saying.

Here's to the future, the past and the present. May my outlook on life change with friends that I will hopefully make. I will never forget my father may his reasoning become my own in the months to come. May I become the person I was meant to be.

Cross your fingers. Here I go.


End file.
